The journey is going well, always a struggle. I'm still working out everyday. But I'm feeling a little worried about the P.E classes I'm in now ending. That's when I have to come back to the real world, and make the decision to workout everyday. I have lost a few pounds but I look and feel the same so that's little discouraging. I haven't updated my blog because it's hard to find the right things to say, when there aren't any exciting changes. I'm enjoying trying to figure out my body and what makes it mine. I bought a skateboard last week and I've been trying to learn, I'm realizing with age you also develop fear of consequences.  Nevertheless I have been spending hours trying to get comfortable pushing myself around on this little piece of moving floor. Since my last blog post I found out that I got into SDSU so I'm extremely motivated to keep working and try to create this lifestyle change for my future. I might even be getting a membership to the SDSU gym. I think being around all the beach bodies I wish I had will keep me motivated, or it will destroy my self esteem, but I'm rooting for motivation.  My hope is that eventually being healthy won't be something I have to constantly think about and remind myself to be focused to achieve and will develop into habits that will just become who I am. Desire: be a fit SDSU student that rides their skateboard to class, plays on a sports team, has healthy active friends that keep me motivated, and focuses on being happy with life instead of focusing on all the flaws I still need to fix. How is your healthy journey going?

Man this wagon is hard to hold on to!

Welp, I fell off the wagon again. What a vicious cycle I live, I am so motivated for a while and I feel invincible, inspired even. Then it happens a twig underneath my skates, a wrench in my gears, no wind for my sails, and that's all it takes. I fail. again. But just like always I'm back up. I'm trying. again. I figure if I just keep trying every time I fail, one day it'll stick. One day I won't have to start all over again. I always feel like this is going to be the last time, and I never want to lose that optimism even if I have proven my prediction wrong time and again. The odds are against me but I chose to still believe that I'll make it this time. I went off the deep end reaching the highest weight yet. That isn't even the worse part, the worst part was that I didn't really care. I hit this weight I swore to myself I would never reach and I didn't even cry. I've been feeling anxious lately to get started on another attempt, but it's really hard when everyone you live with is on that filth. Tonight I went for a 2 mile walk, I just needed to move. I needed to remind my body that it can move, even if it's a little. I downloaded a few apps on my phone and when I watch tv I make myself use the fitness app during commercials to do squats, sit ups, push ups etc. I feeling a little discouraged by my weight right now but I know once I put the effort in I will feel more motivated and proud of myself. Time to just do it. I wish you all luck out there on this journey. Always be positive, YOU CAN DO IT. It's just a matter of when. NOW!

The Journey

The struggle is REAL. . . I began my weight loss journey on June 16th (again). I decided that even though I continue to succeed and fail repeatedly, I just need to keep trying till one day it sticks. So I'm here again, trying. I know myself well enough to know that working out is a struggle for me, which is strange because I actually like working out. I just won't do it. So I need something to keep me motivated. I enrolled in a hip hop dance class at the community college it is almost 2 hours of straight dancing, and right afterwards I go to a weight training class that is also almost 2 hours. It's hard, I struggle everyday because well "I just don't feel like it..." But because it's for a grade I always manage to get myself there. Afterwards, I am so hyper and happy from the workouts. If you have never taken a hip hop class before, I highly recommend it! I was really intimidated, I've never taken a dance class. I thought for sure the first day that not only would I be the biggest person there throwing their weight around but the worst dancer also, I was so insecure. I closed my eyes and jumped, if I continued to be afraid of moving this chunk in front of people that fear would prevent me from ever getting away from it. So I go, and I struggle and I sweat, and I feel dumb, but I TRY. I love it, I love that my body is learning new things, I love that I am starting to not care anymore. I may not be confident yet but I'm also not ashamed anymore. Often in the past I would use my lack of health as an excuse to not do things. I would say things like "Do I look like I can do that?" I am realizing how much I hurt myself and my potential when I am to myself exactly what I fear others will be to me, how unfortunate. So I fight myself, I fake it till I make it. In my weight training class I made friends with a girl the first day and asked if she would want to be my SWOLEMATE. Having someone with the same goals to push and compete with is invaluable for someone like me who would half ass it on the days "I just don't feel like it..." I'm pushing hard, I still struggle with food, and everyday is a mini battle to get to the next day without regret. But I just have to close my eyes during the scary part and when I open them again I will have gone from OBESE 2 BEAST! Stay motivated guys <3 <3 <3

Beast!